So my mom was in the hospital last week for reasons that I don’t feel like explaining (this is a lighthearted blog, people). The important thing is that she did great, she’s home now, and she’s on her way to recovery with some help from her new friends Oxycontin, Percocet, and Dilaudid.
I unfortunately was not present for this new high (new low), but I was sent photographic proof and felt the need to share it with the world.
If you’ve never had the express pleasure of being a multi-night patient at a hospital, please allow me to let you in on a little secret: hospitals kind of suck. It is bureaucracy at it’s finest. It smells funny, there are lots of annoying beeps and alarms, and you don’t get to pick your roommates. Plus, there are sick people everywhere. And old people…lots of old people. So you can imagine how psyched my mom was to finally go home on day 6 of surgery-fest 2010. Except you can’t just pack up your stuff, unhook your machines, and go. There is a process. A long, obnoxious, complicated, form-filling-out process.
So the inital “yay you’re going home!” feeling my siblings had when they went to go get my Mom quickly devolved into more of a “WHY IS THIS TAKING SO LONG I’M HUNGRY IT’S 5PM AND WHAT IS THAT G-DAMN BEEPING NOISE” kind of thing. And that’s when “our man (nurse*) Phil,” as my Dad kept calling him, stepped in. And delivered this:
Not sure what you’re seeing? I’ll tell you: you’re seeing THREE TRAYS of hospital food that Phil bestowed upon my brothers, sisters, and dad. Without prompting. Probably to shut them up. Have you ever witnessed 6 people crammed into a hospital room corner? It ain’t pretty. I don’t blame Phil at all.
You know all those horrible things you hear about hospital food, right? Well, all those horrible things are true. It’s gross. And yet–you see the photographic evidence–it was devoured with gusto. What a bunch of Freaks.
New low, DEFINITELY. Because hospital food should never be voluntary consumed. Belch.
*Yes, my mother had a male nurse…a profession which is totally respectable, but sadly a big joke, thanks primarily to Greg Focker in Meet the Parents.
I was just living up to the standards of Frank C. Wood!!!!
“Rene you going to eat that”
PS The Salmon was pretty good I must say!
PS We all can’t be food snobs, we needed that food to carry us over until we got home!
I must back up my male nurse here! He was the best! I did so well and got out early because of Phil. Not bad!