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Archive for the ‘Technology’ Category

Unplugged

I never thought of myself as a person who HAD to have a TV.  I always considered it a welcome distraction at the most, a way to unplug my busy, generally anxious brain and just zone out.  It was nice to have, but was I one of those stereotypical obese zombie Americans who watched 500 hours of TV a week?  No.  I was proudly not.  It was just TV.  Same thing with the internet, especially now that I’m an office drone.  Do I really want look at a computer after staring at one for 8 hours straight? Um, no. HELLS no.  My eyes would literally remove themselves from their sockets and walk away in protest.

But you know that song that goes “…you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone?”  That has been my last 2 weeks, in a nutshell.  Except when the singer (I want to say it’s Joni Mitchell?) came up with those lyrics I’m sure she was thinking about true love or war or the environment or something actually important.  Not TV.  But whatever.

To those of you who are wondering where I’ve been since October 29th, well, I’ve been right here!  I’ve just been without a television or internet.  Mystery solved.  Don’t look so shocked. That was not a typo. In the two weeks that we have lived in our new (awesome) apartment, we have been sans technology of any kind.

The thing about moving is that even after the big stuff, the manual labor (not that I actually did any of that, but I did spectate and direct, which is equally taxing) and the packing and the actual transferring of entire lives from one place to another, there are still a hell of a lot of loose ends that need to be tied up.  Which is incredibly annoying, especially because you think finally, I’m moved!  All done! Lets start LIVING a fabulous new life in this fabulous new apartment!  LETS DECORATE!

Sorry, maybe that’s just me?  Maybe I’m just extraordinarily impatient?  Maybe I’m just inexperienced in the art of moving?  This was, after all, technically my first move. Maybe I’m just an amateur.

Irregardless.  Scraggly, irritating loose ends abound.  And sometimes these issues are out of your control, and no matter how much you want to make them go away and have things finally done, you can’t.  Enter TimeWarner Cable.

I won’t go into the gory details, because they are quite literally too obnoxiously bureaucratic and painfully frustrating to force anyone to read about them.  Suffice it to say that despite having taken all the correct steps, and despite having called and emailed and online chatted with TWC many, many times, when we finally had the keys in our hands on November 1st, there was no cable or internet to be had in our new home.

In the afterglow of having actually achieved moving (hooray!) with minimal drama, H and I were pretty OK with doing without cable & internet for a day or two.  We literally did not own a television at that point, so really, it was just something to sigh over and solider through.  We put on some tunes, opened a celebratory bottle of wine, and unpacked a little bit.  TV was, dare I say it, not even missed.

That was night #1.

It is now night #12.

Listen, I love H very much and we have good conversation and stuff and I very much enjoy just gazing at him weirdly at times, but sometimes you just want to come home, exchange pleasantries, and hunker down in front of the TV.  Sometimes (all the time) you want to watch the news when you get up in the morning and giggle at the kooky ways of master weatherman and entertainer, Sam Champion (GMA fo’EVER!).  Sometimes (rarely) you want to watch your boyfriend become utterly overjoyed and then suddenly, hilariously irate in the span of about 5 minutes as he watches football and monitors his fantasy team. Sometimes you want to lay in bed hungover all day and watch Netflix Instant Watch whilst drinking Gatorade through a straw.  Sometimes you want to YouTube funny videos to have a good laugh in the privacy of your own home.  Sometimes you want to download a song that you just heard before you forget it.   Sometimes you run out of books to read, and the library is closed.  Sometimes, when you’re all alone, having the TV on quietly in the background is almost sufficient company.  It sure as hell beats chit-chatting with inch-worm you find in your veggies, or the shoe-racks you’re putting together (yes, I did both in the last 2 weeks).

So before you tell me to read books or bake cookies or have meaningful conversation, before you tell me how refreshing life is without the shackles of technology retarding human relationships and how I should be relishing this quiet, contemplative time, I got it.  Thanks.  I did all that.  I read and I talked and I embraced the quiet (the quiet might have been the worst part).   And then that stuff was all done, and there was TV/Internet related stuff that I wanted to do and could not.  And that made me ragey.

Needles to say, it’s been a difficult two weeks. There is a light at the tunnel, however.  I found a nice new cable company that will give me Tivo and fast internet and not require my firstborn as payment.  H did some manly shopping and bought a new flat screen.  On Saturday, installation day, a glorious dawn will rise.  The dawn of technology.

Halle-freaking-lujah.

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To no one’s surprise, I’m sure, I am a bit of a hypochondriac.  I think it goes hand-in-hand with my obsessive/anxious/psychotic thing I’ve got going on.  Because what is more fun and energy-consuming than convincing yourself that you’re dying of various diseases!

It doesn’t help that I have a delicate constitution to begin with.  You know those pale, frail looking Victorian ladies that look like they’d fall over if you sneezed near them?  That should’ve been me.  I was definitely born in the wrong era.  Give me a parasol and a tea set and I’m set for life.  Or at least I would’ve been, had the universe not played this cruel joke on me and placed me squarely in a post-millennial world.  Shoot.

If I was better at Photoshop I would've stuck my face on here

So because of my delicate-ness I often struggle with my health.  This is not new.  Every organized sport I ever attempted ended in me injured and most likely bleeding.  I missed almost all of 1st grade due to chronic tonsillitis and the subsequent tonsillectomy that was supposed to fix it.  Which is why I now can’t really tell time on an analog clock.  Or do math in general.  But that’s neither here nor there.

The point is that these days its way to dangerously easy for me to self-diagnosis every pain and weird feeling and suspicious looking freckle (skin cancer runs in the family OKAY).  And trust me, I am very observant.  There is a lot to diagnose.

Usually it goes something along these lines:

1. Feel something weird.  Sit quietly for a moment to ensure this is not a figment of my imagination.  Nope. That tender, kind of hurting spot on your tongue is real. PANIC!  WHAT COULD IT BE?

2. Poke/prod suspicious area until you’ve endured enough pain to decide that maybe sticking it with a sewing needle isn’t the best course of action.  Even if you did ‘sterilize’ it with a match first.

3. Whip out the computer.  Google the issue.  Because googling solves everything.  For example: “Weird white spot on tongue that hurts” (this was a real google search of mine).  UPON PAIN OF DEATH do NOT click on ‘images.’  You’ll have nightmares for weeks.  Seriously.

4. After an exhaustive Google search that turns up a bunch of quacks advising you to either SEEK A DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY or ‘just pull that sucker off yourself with a nail-clipper!’ (real advice on aforementioned tongue ouchie), turn to your dear, trusted friend, Web M.D

*A quick note about WebM.D.  I don’t know who invented it, but thank you.  Thank you for giving me one singular place that has literally every known medical malady just waiting for me to find it and convince myself I am dying.  Because Web M.D is legit.  It’s has a medical degree. Duh.

5. After an in-depth perusal of WebM.D  it is now clear that you have Oral Cancer of the tongual variety.  Find closest mirror and stare at spot on tongue for the next 45 minutes, wondering how long you have left to live, and who you should will your wardrobe too.

6. Ambush innocent bystander (boyfriend) and force him to examine you.  Tell him he’s stupid when he suggests maybe you are just dehydrated or tired.  These two reasons are his answer to literally every medical issue that you have.  Amateur.

7. Take some Excedrine Migraine.  Because that cures everything (okay, not really maybe, but that doesn’t stop me from taking it on an almost daily basis.  I get headaches!).

8. Call dear sweet Auntie K. who happens to be an RN.  Send a text-photo of your tongue to her to review.  Discuss how long it’s been there and what it feel like.

9. Stare at ouchie thing the mirror a little while longer.  Has it gotten bigger? I think it’s gotten bigger.

10. Swish with warm salt water.  Go to bed.  Wake up in the morning perfectly healthy.  Rejoice.  Until the next thing pops up, and the cycle continues…

Do you see what I’m dealing with here?  This isn’t even something I can control.  It just happens.  It doesn’t help that literally everything is out to kill you and give you cancer these days.  Your food, your water, the sun, everything. It’s terrifying.  TERRIFYING.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a suspect red dot on my knee that needs addressing.  Probably leprosy.

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And Why Not?

I wouldn’t exactly call myself technologically savvy.  Last August I got a laptop and an iphone in the span of about 3 weeks.  At that point, I was the most cutting edge that I have ever been in my whole entire life. I am not kidding–this girl owned a Zune (probably one of about 100 people on earth).

With my Apple-Zombie status firmly in place, I started to get a little cocky.  Uploading pictures to Facebook FROM MY IPHOTO?  Psh, cakewalk.  Downloading and reading E-books on my tiny 4×4 inch iphone screen? Child’s play.  I read some blogs, downloaded some illegal music (Sad Steve!), discovered StumbledUpon, and even….wait for it….joined Twitter.  I tweet now!  I don’t what I could possibly tweet about, but I do it! That was last week.

So this silly blog is sort of a sensible next step.  It actually probably should’ve been a first step, considering my background (I majored in ‘books and movies’, according to a some). But I dragged my feet.  Why?  Because blogs are a little scary.  And a blog that I myself write is absolutely fricking terrifying.

See, for those of you that don’t know me (and who am I kidding, anyone who reads this clearly knows me, why else would they be reading it?), I have a little bit of anxiety over publicly oriented things.  I literally break into hives.  People reading my writing falls into this category. Hives.  But after much deliberating and pondering, here I am.  Combining two things that make me itchy all over in general–writing for a public audience and technology.  I won’t tell you what number draft this is, or how long it took me to figure out this whole wordpress.com thing (here’s a hint: between 6-15 and a long ass time).  It’s the end result that matters, a blog that I can call my own, and that hopefully no one else will call obnoxious, dull, or lame.

So now I’m writing.  Not even with pen and paper, but like, virtually. But what exactly that writing is going to be about is yet to be determined. Because here’s a little secret: my life is not that exciting.  And by ‘not that exciting’ I mean downright boring.  As we speak I am sitting on a futon in sweats watching American Idol, discussing the freakiness of various contestants via text message with my sister and waiting for my laundry to dry.

Sassy 20-something living a glamorous life in the Big Apple: the parties, the clothes, the drama, the SHOES! (Cue Sex & the City music)

Yup, I’m Carrie Bradshaw–if Carrie Bradshaw lived in Queens, co-habitated with her serious boyfriend, didn’t get paid for writing, and wore flats.



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